paranoid ivan

February 09, 2009, the 55th birthday of my MOMMY. Nothing really extravagant, yet so special that we celebrated this day like the usual day we’ve had every now and then. So IRONIC isn’t it? IRONIC in a way that even the way I think at the moment is so awkward and so insensitive. Worst, I only attended my 7:30AM Research class, the rest of my 5 subjects were celebrated grandiosely in my DREAMS.

My INTRO doesn’t seem to INTERCONNECT with my TITLE, isn’t it? As I woke up SHIVERING on our sofa, I went inside my room to get my BLANKET - this continuity of RAIN just had felt my SERENE TIMIDITY and had CONTINUOUSLY fed it. ASTONISHED with TRASHES in my ROOM, my LIDS just widely OPENED. I started fixing my bed, arranging my clothes, filing my papers, in short, CLEANING my room. A SHOEBOX with all my KEEPSAKES caught my ATTENTION, and a small CONGRATULATIONS card dated 11-27-04 pushed drops of tears out my sleepy eye. Written inside the card are greetings of my FRIENDS - Monell, Jade, and Romar - greetings related to the success of the FIRST DANCE CONCERT, “KAMI NA NI KARON!” by the pioneering batch, of which I belong, of the Xavier University Cultural Dance Troupe (XUCDT).

Inside the card is a SMALL Heart-Shaped card with my PANGET”S NOTE. Suddenly, the MEMORIES which I’ve had with PANGET happily circulated around my head, and as I read:

              NGET,

                      Congratz!! Tsada kaau ka musayaw…luv u nget!! happy monthsary…gihagoan bya namo ang flowers…tccic…mwah!!

                      Don’t 4get sa imo goals ha…labaw na health part…OK?!

                      Keep this always!

                      Pls. ever…don’t burn this…heeh…

                      Luv U!!

                      Mwah!!

                      Mwah!

I was then crying, laughing, smiling - INSANE indeed. Remembering back those THREE long months I’ve had with PANGET is like flying deep down the PACIFIC Ocean - so IRONIC! I, Then, just can’t help myself on staring PANGET’s picture on my ALBUM. PANGET seems like smiling at me, telling that I still should follow the advices PANGET had written on a one-fourth piece of yellow paper. This piece of note is also kept inside the card.

There, PANGET enumerated:

         - Mukaon ko’g breakfast, lunch, dinner. Apil na ang gulay!!

         - Dili magpalabi sa co-curricular activities…

         - Dili BINUANGAN si panget!!

         - Self-control, know my limitations…sorry tao lang kasi, hindi ako si superman!!

         - Say “I LUV U” to mommy and daddy once a day.

         - Pamper myself kahit for a day, by just relaxing kahit ano basta hindi nakakapagod.

         - Sleep at least 5-6 hours a fay.

         - Dili mukaon/muinom og food/drink nga bawal sa akong health.

         - Never forget my medications…remember that life is worth fighting for.

         - Try to accomplish all these GOALS para kay panget…..Ü

Wow! Sweet! Ouch! So sad that our relationship has to end! We started being STRANGERS to each other. An INTIMATE moment happened on the FIRST day we’ve met. But, we ended up as STRANGERS. A TRAGIC moment happened to me as we BROKE up.

Almost FIVE long years had past. I missed PANGET so much. Remembering PANGET doesn’t mean PANGET is dead, PANGET is just enjoying travelling the country. I just wanted to feel back what happiness really was, the happiness I supremely felt when I’ve had PANGET.

And so, I continued fixing my things, went back to the sofa and closed my LIDS. Surely, I’ll wake up early, not because I remembered PANGET, but because I have to attend my 7:30AM class.

…it began with an unsupported call that I required to transfer…the voice seems so finicky that I was fascinated by just listening to the one who accepted my transfer…then a message was sent to my account and vise-versa just to get to know each one…I’d love to be acquainted with the person behind the voice, I was really fervent to know it!!…then one night, I hang-out with a buddy…we were then intoxicated, and so I phoned the person behind the voice, then the person emerged out of nowhere…we ordered much that I didn’t noticed I was flirting with the person…ask over why?…I’m just drunk…wahehe…then after it, history had happened and a chronicle of two individuals just simply began…we were in love, very in love…and we didn’t noticed that we were spoiling each other for we were very in love….struggle always finds its way…exchange of repulsive words, texts, calls just followed…yet at the end of each day, everything serene behind…then everything had changed, sugary things turned vinegary…I tried to clutch on, acting valiant though I’m not…I just wish that since I cant support the circumstances anymore, I can just transfer this to someone who can handle the situation…though I still love the person, very in love with the person behind the voice that no matter how id like to transfer it, I will and I should resolve it myself!!… I hope!

…here i go again…back to being very miserable…i just hate bein in love and falling out from it…it seems like i just cant be happy…truly happy…i was before…but it was before…i wanted to be happy NOW!!!….why cant i be??…

…i know i was happy before knowing this person…but i should admit that i was even "more-happier" knowing this dude…this dude puts a big smile every shift…and inspires me, even making me fell-off my chair…

…insensitive me, i had let my self fell into an obviously-seen-trap…insane me, i always stumble everyime im feeling this way…i was being lured with a smile, a small chit-chit using the inconsiderate part of technology made by highly-skilled techs of the company im in, and deceived by a sweet-cheap-thank-got-their’s-a-chocolate…insecure me, i always get jealous with those individuals near him…why by the way??…do i have to be..or do i have the right to be??….

…now, i guess, the person has gone out of my own-painted-canvass, has turned my dream into a sweet-and-sour nightmare…am i going to be this way all over again…

…but if the person reads this one, i just hope the person realize how i really felt, how i tried not to assume just because i was indirectly told of mutual feelings….yet, turned being very in love…now that i guess ur too far away…and too high to reach…just would like to thank you anyway…u’ll always be special to me…i’m falling now, but all i see is your shadow…hope it could be real…

After getting the hip of being a call center agent, I was able to love my work in no time.  Just like taking few clicks, and then I was up and running with the impressive profession I have.

No issue on my work, yet a bunch for this somebody who is just and only my team mate.  I never had realized that I was falling for this person.  I fool around with this person; we even take healthy rivalry.  The person even told me that a day without me is not a “sup call” day for both of us, obviously I am absent, and he just can’t find any grounds of having one, for there is no one who’ll compete adjacent to him.  And I can’t also find several reason to smile, even to take pleasure in my shift if he’s absent, as he always is. That is what I realized; I am just a rival, a part of the team, a friend, and someone who loves this person from a distant that barely I know. That’s all!!

At time we were together, just both of us drinking, just both of us having fun, just both of us together.  I was happy then, very content.  We were drunk afterwards.  Until he left me with no first-rate reason and so I left out also, and rode a taxi.  But the time I was to walk off he opened the flap, took me out of it, and apologizes!  I accepted it, for I understand why after he explained. He asked for my feelings, I answered with no hesitations.  Yes, am in love with him!!  I even explained why, but after knowing my claim, he doesn’t even care at all, so what’s the use of asking. And so he left, and I end up miserable again. Called up a taxi, got home, and fell asleep.

Hell if we see each other.  He said he also likes me, and so I don’t care also. If he doesn’t care, why should I? So I was then miserable, as I has always been

i never really thought of losing my mind..because of my insanities…i never had a hard time understanding myself before…i used to give a lot of chances for my own shortcomings…but why is my inferiorities killing me so badly…why should i let myself be paranoid for somethings i really dont ever need..or be a shit of something i really could not do well…i know for a fact i have limitations…but why am i going out of nowhere…shit!!!this ivan kills me everytime he thinks of those miserable and pathetic things that will surely grudge him all night long….

..imagine…why in the world should i stop in the middle of s*x??!!!…and keeps thinking why is my partner so disappointed??!!!…bullshit you ivan!!!and imagine??..i really like my partner??…bullshit me??!!!…ayt?…why am i always thinking that i could not satisfy someone else…and be hideously demanding to reach my own satisfaction???

…second thing, why am i thinking of ending up my profession being a callcenter agent beacuse og this irate callers whom i really dont know at all…they bullshit me every call…they even cant think of thanking me after i resolved their so simple yet so idiotic problems…duh…americans are bullshit too in some ways…

…third…why cant i sue my dad for physical injury…i dont love him anyway…even before…i had just let him break a single glass on my head…and had myself crying and afterwadrs sleeping with multitude of blood flowing out from my head…why was i thinking that he is the only one who could help my family with regards to money…im being paid as a callcenter agent…i can be a breadwinner…why was i thinking that i should not even fight back beacuse he still my dad…bullshit me again…

why am i too good being a person…and jot down this blog so "bullshitly"….im a human being too..ayt??…

why cant i find someone who will fill up my needs as a human being…who just needs to be in love and give love as it is…why cant i find someone as nice as my second boo???….why cant i be myself again…whose in content in dancing alone..and being alone before…am i really a bullshit???…..me…a bullshit???!!!!!

The eve upon your leaving left me breathless As I sat and caught tear drops in my hands. It makes me bleed inside This sadness that I can’t contain inside my weary mind. It’s like this cancer that lurks inside of me Though sometimes I feel as if there is no real cure. Even in my darkest hour The calming nature of just your eyes always kept me sane. Today I sat and watched as my wounds re-appeared That self mutilation always gets to me. A somber tear turns into a waterfall of madness One more slice and this melancholia will end. Everyday I’ll sit in the window and wait for you to never come I’ll listen to the answering machine to see if I happened to miss any calls the one minute that I wasn’t by the phone I’ll read those old notes And look at the pictures on my wall of old nobodies. I’ll remember all the times that I was left sitting by my own silhouette Wondering what makes me not worth it. Do you remember those days we spent together Do you remember the way things used to be? It all turned to a world of doldrums when you started crying November rain. Every minute, every hour seems to last eternity Love is a sharper razor than the ones that I use against myself Always leaving my soul to bleed. My friend, the bombshell who was silent all these years, never thought she could measure up to his standards When really it was he who deserved to bleed inside. My other friend, my Stumbleine, drank pennyroyal tea one day So hurt inside her weary heart The only words she could manage to say were I’m not okay…I promise. And then there’s me, Peggy Sue, prude unglued with strawberry gashes all over. Sometimes it get’s so lonely I end up counting my scars and befriending each one Hoping that maybe if I’m nice they’ll all dissapear. Today I’ll sit by the window again wearing my wounds like a polka dot dress Waiting for your calls. Can you forget me? Oh…that’s to bad. Because you’ve already left your footprints inside my heart…

A Day In The Life
 

whew! i really do envy those entities who could openly discuss their interests and such personal desires and concerns using tis inconsiderable part of friendster!

i just could not imagine myself pressing down alphabetical keys to fabricate an article about my insanities and my whole paranoid self and let it be read by some unknown users! but this annoyance seemed altered, truly beacause of displeasure at the excellence of my prosperity! simply - envy!

with no pretentions, assumptions, couterfeits, and assertions, i hope i could partly disclose a share of my infereior, superior, insecure and my awkward individuality, like of those organisms i envy!

now, im leaving my envy behind…i’ll be blogging somehow…whew!