paranoid ivan

i never really thought of losing my mind..because of my insanities…i never had a hard time understanding myself before…i used to give a lot of chances for my own shortcomings…but why is my inferiorities killing me so badly…why should i let myself be paranoid for somethings i really dont ever need..or be a shit of something i really could not do well…i know for a fact i have limitations…but why am i going out of nowhere…shit!!!this ivan kills me everytime he thinks of those miserable and pathetic things that will surely grudge him all night long….

..imagine…why in the world should i stop in the middle of s*x??!!!…and keeps thinking why is my partner so disappointed??!!!…bullshit you ivan!!!and imagine??..i really like my partner??…bullshit me??!!!…ayt?…why am i always thinking that i could not satisfy someone else…and be hideously demanding to reach my own satisfaction???

…second thing, why am i thinking of ending up my profession being a callcenter agent beacuse og this irate callers whom i really dont know at all…they bullshit me every call…they even cant think of thanking me after i resolved their so simple yet so idiotic problems…duh…americans are bullshit too in some ways…

…third…why cant i sue my dad for physical injury…i dont love him anyway…even before…i had just let him break a single glass on my head…and had myself crying and afterwadrs sleeping with multitude of blood flowing out from my head…why was i thinking that he is the only one who could help my family with regards to money…im being paid as a callcenter agent…i can be a breadwinner…why was i thinking that i should not even fight back beacuse he still my dad…bullshit me again…

why am i too good being a person…and jot down this blog so "bullshitly"….im a human being too..ayt??…

why cant i find someone who will fill up my needs as a human being…who just needs to be in love and give love as it is…why cant i find someone as nice as my second boo???….why cant i be myself again…whose in content in dancing alone..and being alone before…am i really a bullshit???…..me…a bullshit???!!!!!